#Adulting 101: Decisions, decisions, decisions

A few days ago, I realized that it has been 5 months since I found out that I passed the Chemical Engineering Licensure Exam and became a bonafide engineer. I am working as a freelance content writer and I also tutor on the side. I took on these jobs temporarily to pay for my trip to South Korea (coming up in a blog post soon!), but I find that I enjoy freelancing. I enjoy working from home: pants are optional, I do not have to commute, I can leave or wake uwhenever I want, and I love what I'm doing: writing, learning, and imparting knowledge and appreciation for the sciences to younger minds.

However, I know that something's amiss.

Although I have no problem about this kind of lifestyle (I'm actually looking into making this work out for me: make it sustainable & be a digital nomad, while I'm young, single and able to travel without a lot of things holding me down), familial duties say otherwise.

How many a time have I heard my dad say, "Please look for a job so you can help me send your siblings to school", or "You're the engineer, you're gonna earn a lot and help us"?

Being a digital nomad sounds so appealing (although I'm not disillusioned: I know it comes with a lot of hard work), but it also seems a bit selfish especially when your parents are getting old and you have to step up to contribute. I know it's unfair to my dad (and frankly, gross of me) to be 25 and still living at home, but I dunno, I can't help it if I can't find a decent job that I like and pays enough. There have been meetings, and exams and interviews, but none of which moved past the first or second step. Maybe we really just weren't a good fit, and I thank God that it is better we found out early on.

Don't get me wrong, I do want a job. An engineering job. I realize its value. I need employment to get records for important adult things like building up credit scores so I can get loans or a credit card. It would also feel like a waste to let 8 years of my life go if I wouldn't be able to practice what I studied. And I definitely need to meet more people. It's just that, the jobs available are not the ones I want. Just being real here, but I mean, if I'm gonna get an entry level job, might as well be doing something I like. I hate that I sound like an entitled millennial, but after so many years of teenage turmoil and angst, I know what I want and I'm happy with myself so I don't want that to change.

Not everyone can say they're happy and content at 25, I think.

On the other hand, one part of my brain would argue that I am probably in my comfort zone and do not want to take a risk by going for something I am not completely sure I know about, while the other part of my brain will rebut, But are you sure you won't really like it? You haven't even tried it. And I know, somewhere, another part of my brain, without missing a beat, would go: But all entry level jobs suck, that's why they're entry level.

And then I am further torn whether to:
-sell out and practice something totally unrelated to chemical engineering,
-wait for the right job, with the perfect pay and the perfect fit
-to get one that I don't enjoy just to gain experience so I can go abroad eventually

Can anyone say #existentialcrisis??

I don't normally think about it because it gives me anxiety that I could do without, but when I do, it amplifies because I also think about how unfair it is to my papa and I get more exasperated at myself. Do I rush? Do I wait? Am I a failure cause I didn't fight for it enough? Am I a failure because it has taken me this long to find a job? Am I too arrogant for waiting for a job I like and for not settling? Di naman ako grumaduate with Latin Honors, di naman ako yung tipong habulin.

The  hardest thing wasn't reviewing or taking the board exam, it was the life after, because it was filled with even more uncertainty.

Like everything else, I learned to lift it up to God. Time and time again, He showed me that He knows the best path for me. He led me back to Davao, to Ateneo, to blogging, which brought me joy and fulfillment the past few years, and eventually my engineering title when I thought I would switch careers and be a fashion designer, so I know He will use me for something involving ChE.

I am old enough to know not to compare situations and successes. I know my own happiness matters to me more than the lure of what is considered universally successful. And if there is something I realized about myself over the past few months, I can make anything work for me. I am a hustler. I am street smart.

So, while waiting, I think it is best for me to keep working on this writing and teaching gig, than sit around waiting to be chosen, don't you think? 

Do I have any millennial readers or fresh graduates? Do you also worry about where you'll be? How do you cope with it?

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