Last night, 6 foreign acts came together in one amazing show called In The Mix. When it was announced in May, my sisters and I were so excited. We planned on going because it would be held the day before Felicia's birthday (so it'd be like a birthday salubong of sorts as well), which was in time for Kadayawan (so Feebee wouldn't have classes and could come here) and because The 1975 would be playing. I think The 1975 is one of the few bands we could ALL (including my brother) agree on. LOL. But I really did wanna see them, with pa-bonus pa na Third Eye Blind & Panic! at the Disco (throwback for me and Felicia), as well as James Bay for me. =)) (I first heard one of his songs when it was used in an episode of The Vampire Diaries--I swear that show has one of the best soundtracks, if ever you're into indie/pop/rock, I don't know how to describe it actually. Basta, I get songs there from artists I don't normally hear on the radio)
Up until about a few days ago, Felicia and I were so sure we were going, until I decided not to because I needed the money. Now that I think about it, I don't actually need the money RIGHT NOW--I have time pa naman to save. I'm just super paranoid that I'll run out and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to ask my parents for money because I know they're already spending a huge chunk on sending me to review class here. I was so tempted to still buy a ticket though but my inner miser (and responsible 25-year old self) won. I told myself, "If I don't win tickets, I'm definitely not going anymore" and I didn't. But I still really wanted to.
I found out that mas matigas pa pala ako kay Basha kasi I didn't give into myself.
I don't know why I didn't, because I always usually just do give into myself when I want something. Maybe I needed to prove to myself that I could say 'no' to something I really wanted (sana sa pagkain nalang ako nagn-no noh?); that I can be responsible and stick to my "adult" decisions (aka think in long-term time frames, vs shorter ones when you're younger). Or maybe, there's some part of me deep inside that's just scared--scared that THIS CONCERT I really wanted to watch was definitely happening and that I had a chance of going. I don't know about you, but when something good (or too good to be true) is happening to me, I sometimes just shut down. And then I later regret not taking the chance. I hate that part of myself, but I can't help it.
That scared, unadventurous side of me is the something I want to change, that's why I made this blog. This blog is supposed to document my venture into YOLO-ness. But, the adventures I started on in Davao got put on hold, and my brain got replaced with studying so I'm back to my default unadventurous mindset.
I'm trying to be a better person though, and process all my frustrations inwards and take responsibility for my actions before I do something rash. I remember this time I wanted to attend another concert when I was 19 but couldn't because we had just enough. I resented my parents for having too many children, and my relatives for having too much money. I resented how their kids (my cousins) could just tell their parents/grandparents that they wanted to watch and they would be given money to fly to Manila and watch concerts anytime they wanted to, while I had to work on the side to earn extra for my extras. Hell, I even resented celebrities for getting free tickets when they could afford it I resented myself for being fat and ugly and not an artista. (??? I know, right?) I wrote about that and someone read it, spread it and I got into trouble. I hurt my parents. I know now that it's not their fault, and if they ever had the means, they would want me to be happy and watch the concert too. I was just a brat about it and refused to take responsibility that there was something I could've actually done to watch, had I really wanted to watch that badly.
So yeah, I'm not gonna blame others for me not being able to watch, and I'm not gonna lash out, or be the anchor to the high that my friends who got to watch are feeling. This is all on me now because it was my decision.
Knowing how hard I can be on myself, I thought that the best way I can achieve peace with myself is to have closure, to have learnt and gotten something out of the "bad" experience/ decision call. These are what I came up with.
So, the things I learned by NOT watching In The Mix are:
1) Math, specifically how to solve Maxima-Minima problems.
I wish I was kidding (maybe I am, kind of) but I'm not. That iis what I did last night. Lying (while doing math) is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.
So yeah, literally, I learned Math.
2) I (re)learned that I am blessed.
I honestly wanted to slap myself when I realized that I spent so much time feeling unlucky and whining about not going when in the grander scheme of things, I'm blessed and lucky even, to have a family, something to eat, a roof over my head and clothes to wear, and ITO LANG yung pinoroblema ko, while others are driven to desperation because they have none of those.
I don't mean to compare, cause if you look at it the other way naman, those concert-goers are even more #blessed than I am since they were able to go and they have food, clothing and shelter too. I guess I'm just saying that I learned that I shouldn't discount what I have for the things I don't have.
3) I learned that I shouldn't measure things in terms of its monetary value.
I thought that it would be hard to recoup 3-5k of my savings especially when my only source of income at the moment is just my allowance, BUT right now, after the concert, I realize it's gonna be HARDER and RARER to ever get those bands on the same stage again. It was already such a steal to get to watch them all at those prices. Sobrang worth it niya for the price, but I couldn't see that. I only saw it as Php3-5k gone.
So yeah, what one of my friends told me was right. It's okay to be impulsive sometimes, just not when it's detrimental to your health.
4) I learned that I needed to be kinder to myself.
When I woke up this morning, I remembered the concert and realized #3,^ I really wanted to slap myself for being sooo stupid. I told myself a lot of bad things but then I realized that how come it's so much easier for me to speak kind words about a friend, but I can talk to myself like this? If someone else talked to me this way, I'm sure I would cut ties with that person, but I talk to myself regularly this way. I'm so hard on myself. I find it hard to forgive myself. That's why I'm so shocked when I feel like I did a person bad and they find it in their heart to forgive me easily--because I can't forgive myself easily.
You know how people write about self-love, I thought I had that. But apparently, I got it all wrong. Maybe I don't really love myself the right way, and that has to change.
5) I learned that there is no use crying over spilled milk.
Whining over the concert WON'T bring them back (unless they had a 2-day concert like 1D lol) so I can waste my energy feeling sorry for myself and driving my friends away with my negativity, or accept it and move on and save myself a lot of heart ache. Diba? What would you choose? Option 1 sounds easier but option 2 sounds like it would make you feel lighter.
And, as cliche as this is, I'm gonna use this experience as a motivator and a lesson to look back on if ever I get doubts about something.
(Ano? Pwede na ba? Mature na ba/ Haha)
Was there ever a time you let something you wanted so badly go? How did you feel? How did you overcome it? Hit me up what you think in the comments! :)
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